The Pretend Game

There's a game I like and it's called the Pretend Game.

When I was little I pretended I was a princess - now I wonder why I ever stopped?

I don't remember when it happened. My only guess is that some know-best grown-up came along and told me to "be an adult about it"; that life was a serious thing. Oh, and that I should already know what I wanted to do later on because I too would have to pay rent one day, and taxes and bills. Don't forget the only thing that measures your success is the number of zeros on your paycheck at the end of the month. So in order to have a life that has a meaning at all you'll "work hard" and also "worry" because, you know, there's not enough jobs for everybody. Economy's bad. And then one day you'll end up bankrupt and dead because the bailiff came and he took everything, even your hamster.

Yeah. Really?

It's true to the degree you wish to follow a certain behaviour pattern in society and there's nothing wrong with it. 

Only there's everything wrong with it as far as it concerns... _me_.

I have to admit to something I do every now and then: I actually quite frequently ponder about how unbelievably lucky I am to live the life I have. As I'm writing this I'm on a plane from Berlin to Paris, back from work...... little Polish girl following destiny's "higher plans". 

Or is she? 

Because I very well remember the day I decided what I wanted and simply pretended it was already happening. Yes, I pretended; not only did I _make_myself believe I could have what I wanted but I also imagined I already had it. This included images, situations, emotions (I mean very literally my heart would start beating faster and I'd get genuinely excited). Like an actress. 

You'll notice it includes another word and that is: "act". If you want something you have to act. Do stuff. The first thing you need to _do_ is decide what you want. Not what is "real" but name exactly and very specifically what you'd want. It doesn't have to be - and as a matter of fact _shouldn't_be - serious or heavy. The "lighter" and more insouciant you can be about this the more likely it's going to happen. The trick is not clinging to it and "wanting it so badly it hurts". Have you ever noticed that the more you "must have" something the more you pull in the exact opposite? You "must have" your job. And you "worry" about losing it. And you worry so much and you really can't imagine how you'd live without it that you end up... getting fired!

I have countless examples of how something started in my mind as a wish and ended up materialising itself later on. I can also think of a couple where I just became a "serious grown up" about it and sabotaged my own Pretend Game. The good news is: I alone decide when and how to play!

So what is it that you'd want to happen..?

Some moments in life change everything

If you're lucky, it'll only feel like a slap in the face with a wet fish: your crush never called back. Or maybe your sleazy undeserving colleague got a pay raise and you didn't.

Or it could be more significant. Your wife dumping you after 25 years of marriage. It could be the death of someone you loved more than you knew was even possible.

Mine was somewhere in-between.

After my husband suddenly left 2,5 years ago my world had crashed - a plane in some godforsaken place leaving no survivors.

Only apparently there was one.

After I finally realised what happened, well, I had no choice. I had to start... to keep going despite the odds. Where I was going I had no clue but I knew staying by the wreck wasn't going to change anything.

I put some make up on. A smile, too. I probably still smelled of airplane fuel and ashes when I nervously sat opposite  *Him* - my first date since I was 17 and hopefully my new Mr Right.

New Mr Right is great. We spoke about children. We moved in together after a year. A flat with a garden, in a villa, in Paris. My life is going perfectly well and --WRRrrrAam!!!

The sound of a car braking frantically but it's too late. No passenger survived.

Hang on. I've done this before. Stand up, get the dirt out of your face... You're single. Again.

Fast forward to present time. Four months later my skin is glowing and my hair flies in slow motion as I walk down the street. My smile reveals perfectly white teeth (I made sure not to have salad) and there's some beautiful background music.

Did I just shoot a TV ad? No. Did I meet another guy? Double no. But I'm in love, yes. In love with my life.

There are those moments when the worst has passed and you know you've learned your lesson.

I've learned to celebrate every instant. I've grown to become my own best friend -because that's the only friend that'll never leave me. People come and go, they bring us love, hate, happiness, sadness. At every turning point of fate you'll find something positive. Even death. Yes, even death.

I've lost my father when I was 15. What could possibly be positive about that... ?!

I'm thankful for the memories I got to keep. I'm thankful our lives crossed and that we were given to walk alongside the same path even if it was "too short". This lesson made me more sensitive towards other peoples' suffering.... and I've learned there's nothing and nobody we can ever take for granted. Circumstances change before you can even snap your fingers.



There is no such thing as failure, only successes and lessons.

(photo credit Rodney Dean)

From Paris with Love

Yesterday I got this message from a photographer :

“I see that you have not given up on modeling As you can see I never made it to Paris, either. If I had, you would have known about, because I would've begged you for a shoot.
[…]
I believe soon after I talked with you that I really started shooting with a passion. I have turned my kitchen into a studio in an effort to get better with off camera lighting. I have two more shoots lined up with no fixed dates yet, and another one is in the works.”

Let’s backtrack….

He first contacted me about a year ago, at a point when I was putting a big question mark over my modelling endeavours. I believe this is quite a common phenomenon in the fields of art though: a mix of fear, insecurity and self-doubt occurring after misfortune of greater or lesser degree.

No?

The answer would seemingly be ‘yes’… however…

Today (a year later that is) and in the light of some rather unexpected life-changing events I dare say the answer could lie somewhere else. Reading this photographer’s message was touching because it threw me back right into who I was a year ago. I saw myself confronted with my own frailty – just like reading one’s diary from highschool.

Now, the thing that has changed is me. It is not how my career went or what life, as they say, ‘threw at me’. Because really, it’s what I decide to throw at myself that can influence my feelings about things. I think one of the lessons of adulthood I learned the hard way was: BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. If you treat yourself like shit everyone else will, too.

I had to be kicked back onto planet reality to realise I had lost faith in being able to control my environment. Instead, it was controlling me and I was but a little leaf on the mercy of the mighty, scary blowing wind. To control life I saw I needed to let loose of wanting to control it. Some things just happen, and sometimes it sucks. The only thing I can control is me and it also happens to be the only thing I can be sure of.

One of the best investments I made was giving love to myself; and from there on grew my love for others and my appreciation for my environment. Good things started happening simply because I nurtured my passions, and because I became a priority to myself.


The second part of the aforementioned message was the most rewarding thing someone could say. The photographer felt inspired to get moving and actually get more involved in his favourite activity…

WE. CREATE. our own HAPPINESS. It takes motion and love. I wish it to you.

Where does fun come from?

So how did this old saying go, 'after the rain the sun'? How about 'after the storm, a hurricane and a few catastrophes a beam of light'? I think I never thought twice what taking up studies next to modeling would really be like. I do think it's possible but it feels like riding a wild horse and trying to cook an egg at the same time. So classical singing (in case you missed what I studied) is going in the right direction it seems. Modeling is full of surprises, as it always has been. Both are so very challenging to me that I sometimes wonder why I didn't settle for gardening or contemplating life as a hermit. But then came the realisation: isn't life just made up of viewpoints? I can see things as being a great challenge, hard and struggle, struggle, struggle. Or I can take the best parts of it and ignore the rest.... Right? After all, this is MY life, no...? This realisation came to me a while ago and whilst I wasn't always remembering about it, I certainly did yesterday during a looong shoot and boy, am I glad I did. When you have a shoot-marathon with 60 odd evening dresses you know it won't be easy. It's easy though to make things even harder by complaining and just seeing the negative. So what I did was keeping good mood. Trying to figure out what I liked most about the photographer, the other models, the MUA etc. And I had FUN. Exactly what always feels like it has to come from somewhere else can also just come from YOU. It can be self-created. I no longer wanted to do a job that felt fun-deprived and awful. I chewed on this for a while. And then I saw I could be my own source of fun (I should tattoo this somewhere visible so I don't forget). So figuring out stuff in singing is tough sometimes? And it seems like I never have time for anything anyways and everybody else i so much better, bla bla blaaaahhh.... This is certainly one way of seeing it. The really fun thing is though that I can do something I love. Every day I discover something new. I have made so much progress in the last 2 years and it can only get better. The best gift we can make ourselves and people around us is creating our own fun.

On a blue day I confess...

After a long break the first words are always the hardest. Where were you, why haven't you given a sign of life..... It seems like there's a million reasons when really it's one thing: I just didn't feel like it. Lack of time is rarely a good excuse I find, because just like the old saying goes 'where there's a will there's a way'. The past 12 months have been challenging for two reasons: I took up music school and I was working a lot with 1 fitting client in particular. I gave up the latter and this allows me to reflect on past, present and future. I have been modelling full-time for about 4 years now. I'm looking forward to some of the coming gigs: a show in Moscow, one in Rome, meeting a new agency in Berlin and then, very exciting, 2 days on set for the film on Yves Saint Laurent. I especially love how the last one merges from 'being a model' into some acting. And obviously I _love_ YSL - who doesn't??

But these years have also been hard, at times, either because of way more work than I could handle or because of guilt trips on how I haven't been working enough this month etc. It isn't a job for the faint of heart and even balls of steel aren't a guarantee of walking out harm-free. I know I'm not the only one with a funny attitude towards food and I don't know many non-models who's physique has been critisised as much as mine or any of my friends from the business. Just that fitting client alone would tell me at least 1x a day my shoulders were too wide. That's 240 times in a year. Not to mention waist too thin, arms too long, height and whatnot. Nuff said. Staying positive is great. Best thing ever. Can't get enough of it. But what do you do with the accumulation of 'bleaaaargh'? I'm glad I'm able to do this profession and at this point I couldn't imagine doing anything else. I'm happy I have my music which has proven to be a good hide-away so far. In the meantime I'll be looking forward to many more unforeseen adventures and hope the weather will get better here in cold and rainy Paris!

2012

Have you already looked back at your successes of 2012? :)

Mine were (in chronological order):
 Going twice to beautiful Cape Town and spending my best ever holiday there
 Working for Sonia Rykiel and Yves Salomon
My first ever concert 3 appearances in French TV, each time playing a model
Meeting the designers at Voriagh
Roadshow with Wella all over France
Working for Martin Margiela, Ines de la Fressange, Blumarine and Ferragamo
Getting accepted in my conservatoire to study classical singing.
Translating a radio programme live and getting hats off from the director himself

 And meeting SO many wonderful, amazing, interesting people. I'm so very thankful for everything that I could experience in this beautiful and successful year. I hope you, reading it, can say the same.

 All I can wish myself and others today is persistence on our ways, to pick ourselves up when we fall and learn to recognise fortune's gifts. To chase away 'the blues', to always tranform negative energy into positive and win, win, win!

 Love Magda

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2013 - a lucky number for many!;) What are your hopes and dreams for this year?